Last night, while watching a home video of a vacation we took, my 8-year-old asked me “Where did it go mommy?” When I looked at his face, I could see that he was crying. I asked what he meant and he said “Where did the happy go?” “what do you mean baby? I asked him. His response floored me. “Daddy looks like he’s full of happy there, did he leave it behind? He’s NEVER happy.” I know why his words caused a little part of me to break. I’ve known for years now that my husband struggles with depression, I just never thought it affected the kids like it has.
When I talked to Mike about what Danyl had said, he looked like someone had slapped him. Part of me thought he would cry but then he said “he asked me last week where you went.” Our conversation eroded as it always does, with him complaining about the bills. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to discuss emotions with him. It’s like talking to my 8-year-old about sleeping in his own bed. What do you say to people who always turn the conversation away from themselves when it’s SUPPOSED to be about them? I know MANY people who have the “all about me” mentality but none that have the “never about me” mindset. How do you tell the person you love that they are killing you by not being happy?
We’ve both had people ask us, separately, why we are still together. His family has repeatedly TOLD him to leave me. I honestly don’t understand why anyone would say that. Who would leave the person they love just because they are unable to do things? I cannot vacuum the floor every day or mop or wash dishes all the time but I do what I can. I get up every day, even when the pain is unbearable, I handle the kids when he needs to rest, I am home ALL the time. When I’m able, I go out and walk Velcro. I home school the boys and write. I fight with doctors to get the meds I need, deal with creditors and teachers and cry after each phone call because they yell at me or make me feel even more helpless than I already do. It’s like the whole world is against me and now I have to explain to people why I don’t leave the man I love just because he’s not rich or some shit. He doesn’t beat me, rarely yells and has only walked out on us once… this past Christmas day.
I know the stress of my constant illnesses, the juggling bills on a disability income and raising two preteen boys is wearing on him but he REFUSES to do ANYTHING for himself. I keep telling him to go do something, find a hobby or some volunteer work somewhere but all he does is clean house or play on Facebook and Farmville.