Archive for December 2012
My childhood was far from ideal. Most times I think of little girls having baby dolls and pigtails, pretty pink rooms and strawberries on their bed sheets. I had the strawberries and pigtails. My room was a pretty soft pink after we moved into the house when I was eight. From the outside, I looked like a happy child and I was. For a little while.
I went to school like every other child. My mother packed my lunch because of allergies. I played softball and went to gymnastics, tried out for the tennis team and cheer squad. I remember having to take that stupid fitness test and running around the football field for a grueling half hour and almost passing out. Late spring in Texas is NOT the time to be running like that!
We would go to the beach frequently. Watching the ships floating serenely down the ship channel was my favorite part. They were going somewhere exciting. Somewhere away from where I was in my misery. I desperately wanted to go with them. I went to the docks often and would talk to the sailors about places they would go or sit and watch the ships.
Before we moved near the ship channel, we lived in Baytown, Texas. We lived in a mobile home near the back of the park, by the woods. I remember spending hours on end in those woods. We chased the “fog truck” that would come by spraying pesticides to kill the relentless mosquitoes. I wonder how many of my health issues now can be traced back to then.
I remember the first time I was molested. The washing machine was olive green and it matched the rest of the bathroom. I’d gotten sick all over my favorite dress and he’d taken me in to wash me up. He got my dress off and put it in the washing machine. After starting it, he lifted me up and sat me on the machine. I thought it was a little weird but it was ok because he was my daddy and he did weird things all the time. They were fun and, at 6, everyone loves fun. I remember the feel of the cool washrag, it was hot outside so it felt nice. I remember giggling when he touched me through my underpants because I didn’t get barf in my panties and when I said so, he told me he wanted to make sure I was all clean. The smell of detergent was strong and I felt suddenly sick. Not like bad sick, scared sick. He didn’t go further than touching that first time but I remember him showing me his peepee and how big it looked. I said something about him being bigger than my brothers (we took showers and baths together all the time) and he laughed, telling me that was why he wouldn’t do anything to me with it yet.
Not long after that, my father became “born again” and we started going to church. We went ALL the time and I had to wear long sleeved dresses, past my knees and neckline higher than my collarbone. I was a good girl, I sang in the choir, went to girl scout meetings at the church, helped the ladies clean the sanctuary and oil the pews. I even went to church camp and sang solo parts in a play the church hosted. Life was perfect… for a time.
One day my dad came home from church where he’d been to see the pastor. He felt he’d had a calling to be a missionary. The pastor didn’t think he was ready or something and told him he wouldn’t back him. We never went back to that church again, hat I can remember, and we moved shortly afterward to the first real house we’d ever lived in. Up till then, all I’d known was mobile homes or military housing. I was soon going to a school nearby and had friends. My grandmother lived a block from us and we spent many Christmases at her house with her.
From the time we moved into the house till after I left home, my father molested me. I was 9 when he started making weekly trips into my room to “tuck me in” He told me many times that if I told anyone, he’d kill my mother and my little brother. To prove to me that he could, he dismembered my kitten in front of me. I was 11 when he did that and I still remember the mewling of my kitten 30 years afterward.
When I was 12 my father came to me one night and asked me if I really wanted to get some extra money for something I wanted to buy. I was excited at the prospect so I said yes. He kissed me and smiled then walked to the light switch and turned it off. I heard the familiar sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor and my body went numb. I knew what was going to happen next so I “left”. I went to the corner of my room, looking at the people on the bed, and waited till he was done. For a year, at least, I’d been disappearing into myself when he’s visit me. When he tucked the covers over my shoulders, he turned to leave and drew his wallet from his pocket. Pulling a 20 from his billfold, he chuckled and placed it on the dresser by the door before leaving.
This went on till I was 15. My older brothers best friend and I ran away together. He was 20 and had a car so, one day I wrote my mother a note and left it on my nightstand when I left for school. I had packed my clothes in my backpack and went to the bus. I had made plans the night before, with my boyfriend, to run away. He knew that my father was hitting me, he had seen it with his own eyes that night when my father beat me because I hadn’t done the dishes.
We left town around noon. I had skipped out after third period gym and met him at the pool. We went back to his place and packed the trunk with his stuff then headed out. I remember crying because I was afraid for my mother and, about halfway to Amarillo, I remembered it was my fathers graduation night. We got a motel in Raton and slept that first night. I was exhausted and sore from the beating the night before. Johnny was so gentle and sweet. He tucked me into bed and held me protectively, kissing my eyebrow and telling me I was safe. I fell asleep to his voice telling me I’d be safe forever.
His blue eyes open as he yawns and lifts himself up on his elbow. He smiles sleepily, his voice soft as he speaks “Did you enjoy yourself, my Goddess?” I felt my face grow warm and nod “I guess I did…. Master” He grins lopsidedly and slides his hand over his hip then over his ass, wincing when he touches the welts “Damn, does it look as bad as it feels?” “roll over on your belly and let me see”
I crawl to the cage and unlock the door. I look at the welts and cringe inwardly “let me get some salve” I start to crawl from the cage when he grabs my ankle and pulls me backward, quicker than I’d thought possible with the wounds he had. He wrestles me to my back and, somehow, ends up between my legs. He ravages me fast, thrusting hard into my willing body, bringing me to passionate cries of release.
I feel his thick fingers circle my throat, squeezing harder than he’d squeezed before. I look into his eyes and see such fury there that I’m suddenly terrified and start to push him away. He grins at me, an evil grin. I think he knows I know that he’s made up his mind to kill me. His hands squeeze harder and I feel my eyes pulsing with each thrust of his hips, my heart thundering in my chest. I lose consciousness as another orgasm rips through my body.
I come to to the sound of Andys voice, filled with concern, somewhere above me. I feel like I’m swimming up from the deepest part of the ocean, my body is covered in warmth as I fight to wake up. Something heavy is on top of me, weighing me down and I can’t take a breath. I smell hot copper filling my nostrils, I can taste the blood from somewhere. All I want to do is breath but the weight is too much.
Suddenly the weight is lifted from me and cold fingers touch my face, brushing the tendrils of hair from my eyes. Andys voice, filled with desperation, fills my ears. “Angel, please, wake up, please be alive, I can’t do this without you!!” I take a deep breath and cough, my blurred vision clearing slowly with the intake of air. My throat throbs painfully and, as I move my shaking hands, I realize I’m sticky and wet.
I lift my hand and see it’s covered in darkness. I don’t understand what’s happened, only that Andy is telling me we have to get out of here. He’s trying to help me up, pulling me by my sticky arm when I see Boss Man, laying on his back, looking up at me, oddly silent. Andy tells me not to look, pulling my face toward him, commanding me to look at him. “We have to leave, now, Angel!”
I stand with his help and he leads me out, the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood wafting through my senses. I’m still not sure what happened but I know that Boss Man is dead. It was his eyes, they were… empty. I start to ask Andy what happened when I hear the sirens in the distance. Andy grabs me by both shoulders and speaks softly “Angel, do you remember what I told you, about what we needed to do if it came to this?” I nodded and swallowed, my head feeling cottony as I fell to my knees. He put his hand on my cheek and disappeared out the back door. It was only then that I realized that he’d had his gloves on.
The sirens stopped outside the house and I staggered outside, covered in blood and naked. I fell to my knees and looked up as the officers ran up to me, guns drawn. I lay on the ground, shivering and whimpering as they shot questions at me. I sobbed out that Boss Man was dead, that he was in the basement, no he was alone, no there was no-one else inside. They covered me with a blanket from one of their cars and went inside to see for themselves. An ambulance came and got me and took me to the hospital.
Andy was waiting by the phone when the hospital called. I’d given him enough time to get home and clean up before calling. When he got to the hospital, the officers pulled him into a room and questioned him before he saw me. When he came into the room he acted like he hadn’t seen me in weeks, asking what happened, where I’d been, if I as ok. I just cried as his arms were around me. I still had the collar on so I explained, through tears, to everyone within earshot, what had happened. When the officer asked about the marks on him, I told them that he’d made me do that to him and that I would never have done that to anyone.
I think my Communications teacher would have been proud of my performance! They finished with their questions and I was taken upstairs to rest. They allowed Andy to stay with me and we settled into the room. When it was quiet, Andy watching television and I was dozing off, I was suddenly jolted awake by a thought “the money, Andy, what about the money??!” I’d forgotten the bank transfer! He smiled and took my hand in his, patting my hand “remember the account we opened with your fake id?” I nodded slowly as a slow grin slipped over my lips. “all we have to do is transfer the funds into our individual accounts and it’s done. Just wait a week or so, let his money sit and take it out slowly, a little at a time” He explained in a whisper, the television drowning out any possible eavesdroppers. I lay on the bed and nibbled my lip worriedly, there was something we were forgetting…
A month later, Andy and I were packing the truck to leave. The money tucked away in the cab, small bills, inside a briefcase. A police car pulls up behind the truck as I was bringing out the last of the boxes. A young officer gets out of the car and walks up to us and asks for id. I take out my drivers license and he looks at it with a nod then hands me a bag. Inside is my gun, the one that Andy had used to kill Boss Man. He looks at me and smiles “I thought you’d like this back, Ma’am” He looks over at Andy who is as pale as I’d ever seen him. He looks around and speaks softly “you know, it’s a nice day for a drive in the country” Andy nods and smiles “ayeah, it is.” The officer tips his hat at Andy and turns to me with a smile “You take care now, Angel” I watch him walk to the car and look at Andy. He shrugs and gets in the truck. I look back at the car and watch as he drives away then get in beside Andy, setting the bag on the seat between us. “what was that all about?” I ask “Don’t know but I’m not sticking around to find out”
He was tied to the apparatus, face down. His plump ass was in the air and my hand was holding the whip, running the tips of the leather strips across the cooling flesh. I could never have imagined myself being the producer of pain like this. I hated giving pain but I kept telling myself that I was saving his life. I raised the whip and laid the stinging strips across the tender flesh of Boss Man’s ass with a loud whack. His head lifts as the scream rips through him. His body is covered in sweat and his flesh is red from the hours of punishment I’d given him.
Andy has returned from upstairs where he’s been, using the phone to confirm the money has been put in the account. “It’s there, how much longer ya want to spend on this asshole?” He asks as he watches me take out a thin bamboo cane from a pool cue bag. I look at him and grin wickedly “How long was I gone?” “three weeks” he replies, looking at me curiously. I nod and move to the side of Boss Man. The whistle of bamboo through the air is punctuated by a snap as the cane meets flesh. A thin line of blood seeps from the split flesh, like juice from a sliced peach. I’m mesmerized by the redness of it and give it a match, about an inch from the original. He screams, loudly sobbing, as I place a third welt across his already swollen globes.
Andy watches me for a bit, fascinated by the look on my face. “God, Angel, I never knew you liked this kind of thing. You’re practically GLOWING” Blinking, I look at him, uncomprehending. “What the fuck are you talking about?” “You look radiant, Angel. Like you do after a good fuck” He’s whispering, awe oozing from his words. I laugh and look at Boss Mans ass, realizing suddenly that he is dripping blood from the wounds caused by the twenty or thirty lashes I’ve given him. Boss Man is quiet, limp, and pale as death. I check his pulse which is fast and strong. I’m assuming he’s passed out from the pain.
I set the bloodied cane aside and go over to Andy, undressing as I walk. I don’t have to say anything. I can see he’s as turned on as I am. Wordlessly I take down his shorts and kneel before him, taking him into my mouth and sucking his hard shaft into my mouth. After a few minutes, he lifts me up and, kissing me passionately, he lays me on the weight bench and fucks me hard and fast. I erupt over and over, clawing into his back as my legs wrap around him, pulling him in deeper, begging him to choke me. It doesn’t take him long before he’s grunting and spilling his seed deep into me, hands around my throat, making me cum harder than before.
Afterward, he looks at me, eyes wide with disbelief “My God woman, you have changed while you were gone but fuck, I like the changes!!” Breathlessly, laughing, I walk to the bathroom to clean up “yeah, you have no clue, do you” In the bathroom I look in the mirror and start to cry. I HAD changed and it scared me. Who was this person I’d become? Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined I’d beg someone to choke me, especially during sex!! As I slipped into the shower it struck me. I’d actually cum harder while being choked! What the hell was wrong with me??
After I dried off and dressed, I tended to Boss Mans ass. He was pretty bad in a few places so I put antibiotic cream on the wounds and placed gauze bandages over them. I untied him and helped him off the apparatus and to the floor. His legs were weak and he was sobbing as I tended to his wounds. I got him a blanket and pillow and he fell asleep on the carpeted floor, his soft snores filled the basement as Andy and I went upstairs to make dinner.
“What do we want to do after we leave here?” Andy asks over Chinese takeout. “I think we should disappear for a bit” I say, my mouth full of egg roll. “You want to leave state? What about my check? It’s not due for another two days” He looks at me and I smile “Who says we’re leaving before your check gets here?” He shakes his head and chuckles “I think you’re enjoying your payback a bit too much” I shrug and shove a piece of sweet and sour chicken in my mouth so I don’t have to answer.
That night, before we go to bed, I tell Boss Man that he’s our “guest” for the next two or three days and he would be sleeping in the cage. He only nodded. I gave him some of the left over take out but he only ate an egg roll before pushing the rest away. I make sure he’s got a clean bucket and a bottle of water, a pillow and blanket and flashlight. I then make him get into the cage, lock it, and head upstairs with Andy in tow.
After Andy falls asleep, I lay in the bed watching the lights from the cars going by washing over the walls for about an hour. I finally slip from the covers and walk, naked, downstairs to see Boss Man. I open the door and leave it open, letting the light from the outer room illuminate his sleeping face. I look over his body, wincing as I see the bruises and welts that I’d placed on his flesh.
Had I really done those things? Had I really harmed someone I loved?? What did he think of me, now that I’d done these things? I ran my fingers over the collar that was still locked around my throat. Why hadn’t I taken it off? Was it because I WANTED to wear it? Did I truly want to be owned???
What had I become??